


if you hold me without hurting me, you'll be the first who ever did

by seaandthestars



Category: Gossip Girl (TV 2007)
Genre: F/M, FOR RIVER MY BESTIE HAPPY BIRTHDAY, yes this is the 5x24 casino fic one-shot that took me forever
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-15
Updated: 2020-11-15
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:09:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27581824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seaandthestars/pseuds/seaandthestars
Summary: "Blair had run several explanations through her head, rehearsing them like a mantra, but the moment her eyes locked with Chuck’s all the words fell away. There was no way she could lie to him - he would peel away the layers and facades until the pure naked truth was before him. Blair realized that in this moment, she had nothing to say." - Post-5x24 Missing Moment Fic
Relationships: Chuck Bass/Blair Waldorf
Comments: 4
Kudos: 22





	if you hold me without hurting me, you'll be the first who ever did

**Author's Note:**

> “And when you’re away, I manage to forget you. But then one touch of your hand and God comes rushing back.”
> 
> “God or the Devil?” 
> 
> “Whatever it is that overwhelms.”
> 
> \- Lucrezia and Cesare Borgia, The Borgias 3.10
> 
> “What we have is a great love. It's complicated, intense, all-consuming. No matter what we do and how much we fight, it'll always pull us in.”
> 
> \- Blair Waldorf, Gossip Girl 4.22

Blair had run several explanations through her head, rehearsing them like a mantra, but the moment her eyes locked with Chuck’s all the words fell away. There was no way she could lie to him - he would peel away the layers and facades until the pure naked truth was before him. Blair realized that in this moment, she had nothing to say.

Chuck broke his confused stare to look down at the poker chips in her arms. He gazed at her arms, milky toned and soft. Blair’s arms were like gates. Some days when he felt like he had nowhere to go, she would pull him close into her, wrap herself around him so tight that he would feel like he had come home. She was his protection in that moment; his safe haven from every bullet that dug into his soul. It just so happened that in moments when he made her furious or devastated, she would also cross her arms, frustrated, and the gates would slam shut. He was no longer in her embrace, and would wander like a starving, homeless orphan to find her warmth once more. It had happened once, and the bullet hadn’t just been metaphorical; it had been a real one that pierced his already broken heart.

Chuck had been left in the cold for so long he had no memory of Blair’s soft warmth. But there she sat in her dazzling orange dress, like a brightly lit flame to thaw the ice between them. A once dormant phoenix arisen from the ashes of the murky grey depression she had fallen into after losing her ( _their_ ) child.

“Blair…” Chuck shook his head and turned away, an enormous panging in his chest from all the pain that had crippled him whenever he had to watch Blair with another man. Every kiss, every touch - another icy shard in his heart.

“Chuck, please -” Blair reached out to him in panic as she watched him slowly recoil into his shell - the very one she had once long ago gotten him to break out of with her tender touches and kisses.

“I thought I made myself clear before,” Chuck pressed two fingers against the bridge of his nose, “What changed, Blair?”

“I’m not letting you leave me that easily this time,” Blair gripped his hand in hers forcefully, “I’ve let you walk away from me for too long and I’ve been selfish and pushed you away but now I’m going to explain and I want you to listen.”

“Okay, so explain. What _on earth_ was keeping you from me after telling me you wanted to spend our lives together? How could you abandon me like that? And don’t say it was the pact you made with God, because I saw a picture of you kissing Dan Humphrey in my room merely a week after telling me you wanted me to wait for you.” Chuck bubbled with resentment and hurt at the thought of Blair leading him on, only to abandon him so suddenly.

Chuck had flashes of himself, lost and confused in the hospital, desperately reaching out to Blair to find nothing but blank space. For a horrifying moment, Chuck had feared the worst - that she had not survived the crash, and the thought of existing without her meant living in a black abyss that Chuck never wanted to experience.

“I was scared...scared of losing you. I wasn’t lying when I said I wanted you to wait for me,” Blair ducked her head in embarrassment, “I needed someone to comfort me.”

“So why didn’t you come to me Blair? I would do _anything_ for you.” Chuck was getting worked up and emotional, heat rising into his words.

“No, you don’t understand,” Blair stepped forward, “I needed someone to comfort me who _I wasn’t afraid to lose_.”

Chuck immediately relaxed his features and looked up at her in shock.

“Chuck...when I lost you, that split second when I thought you’d never wake up, I was horrified.” Blair’s eyes reflected the terror she felt of having to exist in a world without him, “I thought it was the world’s way of punishing me for being so selfish, having a baby with another man and then running away with you after all the progress you made to be a better person without me.”

Chuck knotted his brows in confusion, trying to understand why she might have abandoned him in the moment he needed her most.

“I ruined you...after all the progress you made, I brought you back into my drama again,” Blair sobbed, “I should’ve let you go...you deserve better.”

“You thought _I_ deserved better? Blair…” Chuck immediately took Blair into his arms, a precious pearl cocooned safe in an oyster, “I wronged you so much over the years. I was hasty and childish with the precious time we had. Nothing you could possibly do could compare to my list of sins.”

“You never brought me into the darkness,” Chuck elaborated to her, “The mistakes I made were my own fault; my own to atone for. I realize that now.” ( _In the past, I blamed my mistakes on you, and Bart was right on that count. It's the boy who blames the girl, not the man, and that's what I want to be with you._ )

“I was so terrified that entering a relationship with you might mean losing you again, or messing this up because I was in a bad place emotionally...and that was something I just couldn’t afford,” Blair nearly sobbed with relief into his chest, “It was better to stick it out with Humphrey because I didn’t care what happened to him, I just needed you to be safe.”

“But you know now. Right, Blair?” Chuck looked at her tenderly as he questioned her tear-stained face, “There’s nothing on earth you could possibly do to make me leave you.”

“But I thought...on the Empire,” Blair’s eyes stung with fresh tears recalling the way Chuck had dismissed her there. It was as if all his patience from the last year evaporated at that second.

“I’m sorry, Blair. I was in a bad place,” Chuck turned his head with shame, “I thought you were trying to jerk me around again...I shouldn’t have been so harsh with you. I didn’t know why you came at that exact moment when I lost everything to tell me that you wanted me back. I felt powerless, that you wanted me to be your pet rather than an equal.”

“I think that’s a problem we both have had,” Blair smiled ruefully. “The year we dated, I felt the same. You were the CEO of Bass Industries and I was a student at...NYU,” she grumbled. I felt like nothing existed for me but you, and I think I was so insecure of your success and being in your shadow that I wanted to make you feel the same way I did.”

“Blair...sweetheart, I’m so sorry,” Chuck kissed her forehead gently, “I always want you to be a powerful woman. My equal. I would’ve helped you get into any college you wanted or get any internship you desired, just say the word.”

“I know, but I wanted to do it _on my own_. I wanted it to just happen the way it’s always happened for Serena all her life,” Blair glumly admitted, “And Dan made me feel secure because he was beneath me. He’s not like us and I never felt threatened by him. I knew I could kick him around and he would do all the heavy lifting in the relationship for me without me caring for him at all in return. I was being selfish. I was sick of thinking about Nate’s mommy issues, Serena’s latest boy drama, your family issues, and fixing all your problems for you guys. I wanted to make others feel the way I felt my whole life. Used. Isn’t that why I had minions in the first place?”

Blair chuckled mirthlessly, “Funny thing is, Dan _was_ using me this whole time. He wanted me to be his muse and fit his box of what his ideal girlfriend should be. And when I didn’t deliver, he started resenting me. I don’t mind...we both used each other. Fair is fair.”

“Blair, I’m so sorry for making you feel that way. From now on, we will always be honest with each other. The hotel trade...it was the worst mistake I ever made and I punish myself for it everyday. I never want you to feel used again. I would give up _everything_ for you.”

“I know. You proved it back when you masqueraded as Henry Prince in Paris. When you were willing to give up your whole identity and stay poor so I would feel more comfortable in the UES without your memory.” ( _But it wouldn’t be my world without you in it._ )

Blair looked up at him, her doe eyes wide with tears, “Are you mad at me?”

“Blair...I could never be mad at you.” Chuck brushed a loose strand of hair behind her ear and cupped her cheek in his hand with his palm, “Hey, look at me. Please don’t cry, Blair.”

Chuck could handle many things, but Blair’s tears were his weakness. Even in the brief moments he made her cry, he always turned his face so he wouldn’t have to see her devastation. It killed Chuck to see her be unhappy because of him. He did everything he could - even anonymously - during those sweet months of them dating to keep her as satisfied as possible ( _I just want you to be happy_ ). There was nothing he wouldn’t do for Blair; all she ever had to do was ask.

The moment Chuck learned that it was _him_ who was responsible for her unhappiness, he knew he had to walk away and let her enjoy the lightness of her relationships with Louis and Dan. He felt he could never offer her true happiness, despite loving her more than anyone his brittle black heart could ever love, because he didn’t deserve her. ( _I’m sorry for everything. You deserve better. Don’t come looking for me._ ) Chuck Bass felt - at his core - that he didn’t deserve love. And that was why he always sabotaged himself.

Chuck curled Blair against him, her face pressing into his chest. The all-consuming passion always overtook them. It was senseless and irrational. Blair could never control herself around Chuck; she had to hold him against her, even if it wasn’t particularly sexual.

“You want to get a room?” Blair’s glossy red lips asked him coyly. She was always cherry red, just for him. It was like the universe was giving him a sign: every time they reunited was like the first time all over again. Her cherries were always his to take.

Chuck didn’t hesitate in capturing her lips with his. He knew they still had issues to sort out, and they would do that after he had her complete assurance that she was his, after he gave himself to her. She stripped him of his bowtie and he violently tore off her dress, the very last obstacle after all the princes and frogs Blair kissed that kept her from coming back to him.

Blair slammed Chuck heatedly against the wall next to their room, kissing and sucking on his neck as he moaned against her and gripped her close to him. She wondered how they looked to the strangers around them: a woman in classic red lipstick, a man in a black tuxedo, free of all labels. She was no longer a pristine princess without a hint of scandal, no longer a dark, forbidding Ice Queen, no longer Nate’s needy future Stepford Wife, no longer the overlooked Darth Vader to Serena’s shiny lion’s mane, no longer Claire Carlyle from Dan Humphrey’s _Inside_. She was just Blair - stripped of all the facades that kept her from being herself.

It had been so long. Blair pressed herself against him tightly. Chuck ripped open his jacket, desperate to be near her - to be whole once more. A kaleidoscope of colorful poker chips splayed across the bed like rose petals on a newly married couple’s honeymoon night. Blair gasped as he entered her, and kissed him back ferociously like she never wanted to be separate from him again. Her back arched, and he finished on top of her.

“Do. That. Again.” Blair panted with exhaustion, her tight black lingerie still clinging to her body. They were so desperate for each other they didn’t even remove their clothes fully.

“Why? We have all the time in the world,” Chuck replied as Blair climbed on top of him once more.

\---

The next morning, Chuck watched as Blair’s eyelashes fluttered, and the miniscule shift in her breath that identified that she was awake. He gently placed butterfly kisses over her face and then woke her up with a long kiss on her lips. Blair sighed into his mouth and kissed him back dreamily.

“I ordered breakfast,” Chuck smiled down at her as she immediately cuddled into his arms, seeking his warmth. He kissed her happily on her forehead and the sweet vanilla smell of her hair got to him. Chuck had opened up to the business section of the morning newspaper as Blair bounced off the bed to brush her teeth.

Blair came back to find Chuck picking at a plate of eclairs, and immediately wrapped her arms around him from behind, “What’s wrong?”

“I was just thinking about something you said before...about us not being friends.” Chuck explained nervously, “I came to talk to you about my mother and you said that I was just trying to worm my way back into your life. Did you really mean that?”

Blair realized that Chuck was glancing at the pumpkin pie at the top of the cart, and had a flashback to last Thanksgiving, when she had sent him a pie and written him a note - “Just because we can’t be friends doesn’t mean we aren’t.”

“Chuck…” Blair snuggled closer to him, pressing her hot, tight body against him, enveloping his chest with her arms. She wanted to thaw all the ice between them this past year. “I wasn’t ready to let you in. Chuck, we’ve always been friends because we could tell each other anything without judgement. You know me better than anyone, you know that.”

“But?”

“But I wasn’t ready to emotionally invest in a serious romantic relationship at that moment. I was going through a divorce and I just lost my baby...I was completely exhausted,” Blair explained.

“ _I_ could’ve comforted you. I would’ve held your hand through all of it. We could’ve found out who murdered _our_ baby and destroyed their life. Together. Just like we always do.” Chuck answered vehemently.

“You don’t seem to understand. I won’t - _I can’t_ do any half measures with you,” Blair espoused passionately, “We are everything to each other or we are nothing to each other. Even when we were “friends,” there was always a silent, rosy-tinged promise of a future where we would come back together. I can be friends with Dan because now that we’re broken up I couldn’t care less who he’s with. But with you... _with you, Chuck_...I drive myself insane with jealousy to even see you go near another woman who isn’t me. What did you expect? Me telling you about my relationship troubles with Dan while you told me about your hot sex with your latest whore? That friendship? I couldn’t bear it. I would rather be your sworn enemy than be that close to you without being able to take you into my arms. Don’t you understand?”

Chuck pulled her into his arms and kissed her. He kissed her like he wanted to breathe: it was like he had no choice in the matter - it was something he had to do, or he would die. He needed Blair. He _needed_ her to be with him always. To be by his side every step of the way. He would be a better man, but only with her light guiding him out of the darkness. The King and Queen of New York City still had many more dragons to slay until they achieved their goals, but it was in that moment Chuck knew what he had to do.

Chuck Bass made a call to Harry Winston. It was about time Blair and him gave themselves to each for good. Not for a single second did either of them ever want to be separated from each other again.

\-----

Blair Waldorf curled into their plush king sized bed that night, Chuck’s Harry Winston engagement ring sparkling at the end of a long chain.

“I love you,” the King said to his Queen, fondly playing with the ring at the end of her chain as he tucked her into their bed.

“I’m all yours, Chuck Bass: mind, body, and scheme,” the Queen responded to her King, punctuating her every word with a kiss to his lips, “I love you too.”

And they both knew that much like their first time, it was only the beginning of a shared love, now stronger than ever.

**Author's Note:**

> Happy birthday, River! I hope you loved it! Thank you to all my other Chair besties who give me the inspiration to put my useless brain into writing. Please comment/kudos and let me know if you liked reading.


End file.
